costochondritis again

swear these are the worst thing I have ever felt in my life, the pain alone is enough to make me almost lose my mind cause it shift from the middle of my chest to closing my throat to the bottom of my ribcage and no other way of putting it, it hurts so so so bad. They last for about twenty minutes completely incapacitating me I literally cannot move or it hurts worse I can't breathe at all and yesterday I just silently cried while it ran it's course. The last few minutes of it I almost lost my control on it there is no control you have except to keep your breathing as shallow as you can to lesen the pain a little but as it moved to the bottom of my rib cage I started crying with my husband just holding my hand and telling me to relax. I silently bawled I couldn't very well sob cause I couldn't get the air into my lungs to make any noise. The helplessness of the attacks is what makes it the worst. there is literally nothing I can do but lay there as it's victim. Afterwards and even as I type this I feel vulnerable and violated. I'm having little spasms this morning after sleeping for thirteen hours that is telling me it's going to happen again today and I'm scared. They hurt so bad for a few seconds I'm sure it's a heart attack and I'm scared it's the end that I'm at the very least rupturing something. I hate feeling scared I hate knowing it's coming and I cant stop it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I can't do anything or plan anything until I know they are done, there is no warning just boom the most excruciating pain I've ever felt and suddenly I can breathe. and today I'm utterly exhausted I feel like I've been run over by a train everything aches everything feels swollen and not joined together right. we have plans today to go to the little fair in town and I'm terrified it's going to happen in front of people, for an outsider to see me at my most vulnerable would shame me to my core.