train tickets

yesterday did not turn out as such a good day, I'm only supposed to be here till Monday but when train tickets were checked online they have went up four hundred dollars if I want to leave tomorrow.looks like I'm here for another two weeks and I buy the tickets today instead of waiting so they don't have the chance to shot to a thousand dollars. it only cost me five hundred to get here n they want me to pay nine hundred to get back.I truly wish that was the only thing that made yesterday suck, my family has such deep ugly secrets funny enough surrounding me. . . .. every couple of years I try to pretend I'm normal, I try to make it all okay. I want somewhere to belong, somewhere I feel totally safe just being me and I keep hoping that this time will be the time, and it never is.

It doesn't help my disease the more agitated I am the later I stay up the later I stay up the harder I sack out, I went to bed at like one thirty, when I sack out hard I don't wake up to shift, I don't think I woke up even once last night to shift, I must have laid completely in one spot and woke up at seven thirty so laying still for six hours makes me almost a zombie, I'm miserable my ribcage is hurting like my ribs are broken and I cannot expand it past shallow sleep breathing. My back feels like there is a red hot poker shoved through my spinal column and for good measure curved into my neck I cant look up im sorta hanging my head down, thankfully I have a laptop or blogging wouldn't be an option right now.There is a pounding at the base of my skull and I dont normally have headaches, slouched over and slightly, just in general pissed off. My entire family needs an exorcism.

Today is my son's fourth birthday, four years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful little man who everyday makes me feel like the sun is just a little brighter. I never knew how big a hole I had in my life until I had my babies. . ... there isn't anything in this world I wouldn't do to give them a normal life.  Part of the depression that I struggle with is due to feeling inadequate, today should be his day, I'm up earlier than he is to try n give my meds time to work. I get so completely disappointed and disgusted with myself when I can't do the things for them that make a good mother in my mind. A good mother would be able to run and play with her son. I can tickle him on the couch. A good mother would swing him high through the air and catch him and tell him today is your birthday, little man your one amazing kid. . . . I can barely pick him up.

I have to push that kind of thinking away or I'll get disgusted before i even start trying today, I may not be everything even I think a good mother should be but I'm gonna be better cause I'm still trying through all this pain, I am still determined to see his face light up and hear his laughter and though I may have to sit down to hold him, I will make sure he doesn't miss out. I have to cut this one short I'm gonna have to hot shower it to loosen up, been awake about an hour and to look at me you'd think I was the hunchback my neck is even stiff this morning.

the dreadfully, awfu,l persistent burn is gonna be bad today. . . . . . .. .I don't pray very often but please give me the strength to ignore it, give me the concentration to put it out of my mind and not be angry. . . .. .I think I'll put myself in time out if I can't shake it off.  That would break my heart in two but I will not ruin his day because I'm so grouchy and CANNOT get away from this constant burning ache, I doubt any one can blame me, let me follow them around n drip burning plastic down their backs n see if they can still smile for cake n ice cream.

I will not complain I will smile and I will fake it and if all goes well and it doesn't top my tolerance level noone will even know. I cannot wait for the day for a cure, or to even start enbrel which I have now based so much hope in I'm afraid for it to fail. To not have to prepare like this just for a birthday, sounds almost like a fantasy to me, and I'm still newly diagnosed since november 2011 I have come to realize this isn't "sleeping wrong" and going to go away. This is me. . . . .. . ...sometimes I really don't like me. . . . . . .signed A.S.S.