I called my rhuematologist yesterday because the pain from my shoulder was geting so bad it was making me sick like throwing up sick and it started radiating across my chest, I was worried about it and any As'er understands that our lives come with a certain amount of pain and over time our pain tolerance slowly increases. this was topping my tolerance and so i called and he reccomended I go to an urgernt care or an emergency room. I tried argueing with him that I didnt want to go, on average doctor's have no idea what this disease is or even what it does. Me being from a tiny town in ohio have spent a good majority of my life here and being looked down upon as a pill seeker, druggie,worthles and making my pain up in my head. I was dismissed here, I was ridiculed here I"v had doctor's look me in the face and tell me they didn't know what was wrong. Basically I wanted to chew my own arm off rather than go, I wanted the rhuemy to call in something magicall over the phone so I could steriod the crap outa myself and call it good.. . . . . He dissagreed and I drove myself the forty plus minutes to a tiny little E.R.
I was checked in pretty quickly leaving my Rhuemy's information at the front desk per his instructions for me to be evaluated. . . . almost movie star status as everyone kept asking why I was coming in and once explained I was vivisitng from oregon . . . . wow all the way out there? why r u here? how long you staying? . . . . . .smal town gossip and excitement sure I made the water cooler conversation. I was at first put into a room with windows and a little T.V. and talked to two triage nurse's who asked me how to spell "IT" and what my symptoms at the moment were etc. I was still relatively hopeful from this point as I felt combined with being from so far away with fax number for my doc maybe I would be treated with some respect. I waited for about ten minutes and this little nurse walks in and says" I'm sorry about the confusion but I really need to move you we have a gentleman waiting who really needs the bed." . . . . . .and I didn't? I was led to a "consultation room" it was literally a closet with three chairs in it, no windows no T.V. nothing a room with chairs that at a larger hospital would have contained linens.
I was crushed and pulled my armor of a fake ass smile and cheerful outward appearance down quickly. I sat there for the better part of an hour stewing and texting, trying to alleviate some of my anxiety and frustration, I did not want to be there had argued to not go in I already knew how people looked at me and already was scared that I was going to have to "push through it" I was scared because i have really never had the inflammation spread so quickly or be in my chest, still relatively new to all that having "IT" is going to entail for me I've been reading all kinds of scary things and although my attitude while reading all the scary things has been well that's not gonna be me, mine has to be mild in comparison right?. . . . . .The tightness across my chest had me rethinking my cocky attitude.
Doctor finally walks in and meets my eye's have found that eye contact sometimes says what I won't say with my mouth which at this point combined with my fake smile and slightly flushed cheeks I think she read loud and clear this humiliated me and I didn't want to be there. She asked me my symptoms and asked me if it was new. . . . . .then asked me what to do?!. . . . . this is new for me. . . .i didn't know what to say. . . .I wouldn't be here if i knew what to do. Out she went to find the other E.R. doctor another woman who sat down and re went through my symptoms and asked me what I would like for them to do for me. . . .well hmmmmm, I suggested a steroid shot and something for the throwing up I don't like throwing up and she smiled and Voila! mysterious case of the invisible disease solved. She listened to my heart n to my lungs and I warned her I breathe shallowly she made me force it, and I guess my heart sped up with the pain from it so for good measure she ordered x-rays and an E.K.G.
I kind of scoffed at the x-rays been getting them since I was about 12 or 13 and nothing had ever showed on them to show how much pain I was in even with me hoping with everything i had and thinking in my head this time has got to be the time they can finally "SEE" what I feel. Drowning disappointment as I heard the words "nothing unusual" they don't believe you if they cant see it. I like a good girl put on my gown and waited while the x-ray tech went through his motions, me smiling and making small talk until he asked me to raise my arm and looked surprised when i said give me a minute and I had to physche myself up for the pain I knew was gonna shoot through me. Tells me good job and gets the next one and I mention I'm a little dizzy, and he says "really?" I wish i could explain to him that I smile and fake it everyday just because you can't see the redness I'm sure consumes my insides doesn't mean it's not there, just because I make eye contact and refuse to back down doesn't mean I'm not inwardly exhausted hiding the pain you can't see. I pride myself on looking "normal" and I will not break that pride for a stranger, I will not lower myself in front of someone I barely know so maybe this time I will be believed.
I also had an EKG which showed my heart speeding and slowing with the pain but not enough to be "alarming" and to follow up with my Rheumy, just knowing that soon I will be back in his office describing this horrid visit to him gives me a strength. I don't need these backwoods yardmonkeys with their "we don't give narcotics without picture ID" literally posted everywhere, I don't have to prove myself even one more time because I've already found someone who believes me, the relief and weight off my chest just thinking about that is amazing, I have only had about three visits with him and I LOVE him, my husband might be a little jealous if he knew but how can i ever explain . . . .I've been trying to find someone to take me serious longer than I've even known my husband existed.Five hours after getting to this tiny E.R. the nurse came in to release me with a script for percs and something for nasuea, I politely asked for my steroid shot as I know the pain pills don't touch squat and the inflammation is not treated with pain pills. he looked surprised as he went in search of the doctor. Take ur measly 12 pills n stick them up ur butt just give me the shot, I'v never exerianced my rib cage being this tight, prednisone 20 mg's a day n OTC naproxen wasn't touching it. give me the steroids. . . . . .as I kid you said steroids I pictured arnold Swartchnegger. . . .funny they don't do that for me but they can make me be able to breathe. . . .I'll take that.
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