miss sleeping in

before this crap hit me I used to sleep in, I used to love to spend my mornings in bed with my kids watching cartoons. One snuggled on each side while we just held each other and watched TV. I miss it so much, my son still crawls in bed with me every morning and I still get some snuggles but I miss the connection we used to have. to lay there this morning holding him while he was sleeping almost made me cry, I feel like this crap is forcing me further and further away from my children. I realize it is all probably in my head and they still love me and need me like they did a year ago, but it still hurts my heart. I forced myself to lay there this morning and hold him till he fell back asleep all of about 20 minutes I think, it was a combination of sweet n torture. I haven't been sleeping sitting up, it just doesn't work when you don't have enough pillows and I feel guilty when I sleep in papaw's bed. . . .he needs it just as much as me. I'm totally unable to bend, I'm shuffling around this morning. I come downstairs slowly n hunched over and my pap is already awake his first words to me is "how you doing old lady?" Little ego shattering on the outside I already look like a hunched over old lady in the mornings.

I hate mornings, I have tried stretching and that makes me yell cause it hurts and that wakes up the kids which is not what I want. I need the mornings to adjust to the pain to give my meds at least a half hour to take the edge off, I want to be smiling with homemade pancakes etc. ready when my babies wake up to show them how much love I have in my heart for them. I know that bubby like to snuggle for like a half hour when he first gets up and sissy is starting to want snuggles too. Sounds sweet and easy right? Two four year olds snuggling n trying to get comfy two sets of elbows, two sets of knee's,two heads struggling to find just the right soft spot to snuggle into. One wrong move on their part or mine and it feels like knives slashing through my body, pain hurts, I don't like to hurt, my patience is almost zero for this kind of pain, but I miss my babies wanting to hold me.

You know the doctor's say if you ask for more pain pills your an addict. Just to take the edge off I'm an addict, the pills take it from excruciating to tolerable, I'm still in pain, I still hurt but I'm an addict because for that little bit of an edge I have more patience. I'm more willing to take a few jabs in my ribs so I can hold my babies. I want a cure so badly, I have went through so much in my life I fight the urge to whine a lot, I want to be seen as strong, I'm a hard worker, even with this crap on certain days I push myself till I'm sick. The tax I pay is literally so much pain I'm throwing up. Anyone else ever throw up because it hurt so much? It affects my entire body and for good measure it affect my emotional well being makes me question if I'm even a good person because of my short temper and no patience. I worry about not being the person I want to be, but I have found that there are people in my life who see through this outward shell that I have forced around myself to protect me, I have always seen crying as a weakness and I cry so much now you'd think I was constantly pregnant.

I started crying when I realized how lonely I was making myself. I got this diagnosis in Nov. I shut down to everyone. I've realized I went months without talking to another adult but my husband. and even him he would talk and I would blankly stare. he would ask how I felt and if there was anything he could do, n when I said no he changed the subject. I convinced myself he didn't care as long as dinner was on the table and his laundry done I was fulfilling his wish for a wifey. Looking back now that isn't true, he didn't know what to say or how to even begin to understand I shut him out, if he pushed it I would run away and hide and cry. I didn't let him in I didn't let anyone in, I couldn't that would mean I wasn't strong. I may need help but I'm still strong I'm still Standing Tall.

my advice to people reading this who have this disease, the hardest part is accepting it, is realizing that it doesn't have to be the lonely isolated shell the pain can force you into. Reach out talk about it, look your loved ones in the eyes and talk to them about your pain, tell them how much you need them to care, how much it means to be able to say I'm hurting here and here and here. It doesn't mean your whining, it means your telling the truth and sometimes when they understand where your hurting without asking they help you.You are loved Your needed and this disease cannot take away who you are, re adjust your life a little fight through it for the good times and rest give yourself a break. Love yourself, this disease is something you have not who you are.

signed A.S.S still hurting but still Standing Tall