Pulled in yesterday morning around five am my son is still on Ohio time he kept me up most of the night on the train and then no nap yesterday and is now awake at barely seven am. It honestly felt really good walking in my house, I was afraid I would feel nothing but trapped and panic, but surrounded by the home I have re built for my kids and myself and my husband I am filled with a sense of pride and I felt good walking in. We started over with literally nothing at all, everything we had we got rid of sold or just left when we left Ohio the first time. I lived through the heartache of losing everything and found the strength to stand again, through one of the most spectacular woman I have ever had the good fortune to meet, she allowed me my husband and our two children to move in with her, she knew the troubles we were facing and she offered her home in the hopes that it would save my marriage. It did. . .... I have walked a close line back and fourth with my marriage and anytime I really start to consider divorce as the final way out instead of fighting and or fixing it, I look at the life her children now lead, the life she now leads, the life her ex now leads, marriage is the hardest thing I have EVER done. I'm riddled with a disease that makes wanting to wake up every day very hard and it is nothing in comparison to the work my marriage requires.
Part of the panic about my return was because I have felt like the crap I deal with in my own body wasn't worth it to my husband to fight through, we have fought during my absence where I have informed him it has got to get better, and much to my extreme happiness he has manned up. He was on that platform yesterday and had tears in his eyes as he was on his knee's with roses in his hands for me while he bear hugged his children, he had gotten them both small toys and had them sitting in their seats when they got in the truck, he held my hand and kissed my wrist all the way home. I will never leave when I can see so much effort, so much love just waiting for me. Mistakes are made every day whether or not your willing to fix them is what makes a relationship. I don't believe in divorce, my confidence has been shaken more than once but I usually come right back into my own head, we have a family, we made a commitment and if that means dragging each other when we can't walk then so be it. Marriage isn't always pretty, every now an again you gotta air the dirty laundry in order to know it needs a washing.
I took my first embrel shot yesterday when I got home shortly after a shower, the needle in that thing was massive n it fricking hurt! burns like a son of a beech going in I sat there a little surprised as I am no stranger to needles and didn't really expect much but like a needle prick, this was like a needle punch followed by a burning sensation and I had to hold it still with pressure on it for 15 secs so the full dosage was pushed out. If it works whatever so worth it not even a blip on my radar in comparison to everything else dealing with this crap does to me. I had some sort of attack while I was riding the train second day in, I was laying down snoozing n totally relaxed when sharp stabbing pains started shooting across my chest, I almost panicked thinking it was a heart attack as it hurt that bad, there was so much pressure I couldn't take a deep breathe. I sat straight up n took a vicodin, a muscle relaxer, stomach pill, and four naproxen. Wasn't sure which of them would work but I wasn't about to call for help while I was in the middle of goodness knows where with my little one's surrounded by rude as hell train staff. I text ed my husband back and fourth for a full convo, he was telling me to ask for help n I was hiding under my sheet forcing myself to breathe through it. . . ...I was honestly scared it was a heart attack and my only thought was that my kids were going to be terrified. Logic in my head told me that it could be anything and to remain calm, I guess that's one good thing yrs of E.R. visits telling me it's all in my head is that I now have the extreme calm to ride out extreme pain, what choice did I have? call for help? no x rays on board no trained med staff, and if they did have one lol think they had ever heard of my disease? My support group suggested costochondritis which upon researching does appear to be what it was, I missed a dose of prednisone. I start the taper from prednisone today really really hoping I don't have a bunch of mini heart attacks as my body rids itself of it.
No improvement on symptoms yet, still burning, ribs still aching, hips have developed a painful ache thinking because sitting on them for three days wasn't exactly good for them. hurts to walk a little, chest feels tight and hurts to take a deep breathe. Here's hoping embrel is the magic answer, standing tall and really really hopeful.
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