woke up with my back hurting but mild compared to the horrid pain I'm feeling in my shoulder, I'm actually getting pretty scared. Breathing deeply makes it hurt so I'm thinking it might be serious might not. Could only be that the inflammation that is my constant companion has now decided to set up shop in my shoulder.I am going to enjoy my day just have to get used to this new feeling and manage to ignore it or find some way that makes it okay enough that i can ignore it. Please please please just be some sort of strained muscle, or inflammation please don't let it be something i have to get used to long term. Yet another blow to my "I got this Whooped" ego though cause even through the nsaid's and the steroids it's still hurting. I almost dropped my son's cereal bowl this morning. Fighting the why me response which only leads to a huge pity party and me slumping inwards cause i cannot stand to even hear myself whine so I wouldn't put it on my loved one's. No one wants to constantly hear someone else whining.
wish that it would just magically go away, things go so well and then boom i cant hardly think past some sort of restrictive pain that makes me mad. I hate being in pain, I hate not being able to move the way I want to, do the things that I want to. To just be able to enjoy my day and focus on the people and things going on in my life without my focus being drawn away by a knife of pain shooting through some part of my body without injury mind without any warning of hey your doing something that is gonna hurt tomorrow. I just wake up with it, I just go to bed with it.
Today is the last day at my little Sissy and I want to enjoy my time with them, to watch them in their loving and happy environment reminds me of young me n hubby. They are full of a positive energy and I have eat it up, coming to their house alone has revived in me a hope for life. One I could never truly explain without being a sobbing mess. I hold this little ray of sunshine in my heart for them that I feel needs protected, I already would protect them from any outside force. I would post specifics but they aren't necessary. I feel safe here I feel like I'm allowed to not only have opinions and loudly express myself, I'm almost shocked every time there is specific concern on my well being. I think my husband getting used to me having this has forgotten that I'm still human. Forgotten that sometimes I need him to show genuine concern instead of "how do i fix it?" I can't be fixed but it soothes my very soul to know that someone genuinely cares.
I'm not afraid anymore to let all of me show. . . .well I take that back I still am scared that the insecure flawed and hurting me is enough to send people running, I am still scared to find out someone I love considers me weak, I have to learn to have a thicker skin I think but in baring myself it kind of leaves me wide open and vulnerable, the emotional side of all of this definitely does not just come from my disease, I have an abusive background that I may put on here at some point but only in passing maybe not really sure. This disease has made me draw so far up into myself and surround myself in a blanket of anger to prevent myself from being hurt. I will no longer hide it's been almost a year. . . . .I'm tired of being alone tired of being lonely, it feels good to be loved for me accepted for my flaws and loved anyways.
update. .. . .have i ever mentioned the drag of muscle relaxers? I take a prednisone n a muscle relaxer have hyper energy for all of an hr and then a crash so hard i have to drag myself around eyelids drooping feeling like i have weights tied to my limbs and if i could just sleep for ten mins it would be better. Except that I have coffee and inside my head is awake enough to think about everything it could possibly think as soon as I close my eyes. my shoulder feels better still hurts but range of movement is increased . . . . .while in the shower I considered sleeping in the tub but fear of drowning made me refrain.
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