My morning so far consisted of waking up with the lower two ribs on both sides feeling like they were pushing inwards, and broken in the middle. I woke up like three times last night I think and am now experiencing a brain fog. I'm stiff and hunched over cause of the burning/pressure somewhere in the middle of my back which keeps telling me to move this way or maybe hunch a little deeper and Voila! somehow I would manage to feel comfortable sitting still.
My kids have been little hellions this morning fighting amongst each other and my almost four yr old son poking the cat with a butter knife and the cat swats him and sends bub into a complete meltdown as somehow it never occurred to him that the cat once hurt would fight back and me arguing that he deserved it. It's rainy outside which somehow makes me feel even more tired. I always have this slightly confused feeling as though I'm supposed to be doing something productive, I'm supposed to be showing my children some new and exciting thing where they learn something amazing. I simply do not have the energy, I think I have had this disease ALOT longer than I've been diagnosed and I know it goes into remission I cannot wait for it too, I think about the old me skinny in a pair of jogging shorts with an I-pod jammed on her head running n singing the day away, kinda makes me sleepy just thinking about it lol.
I wish I could shake off the groggy feeling already had my coffee and my morning handful of pills that don't help, (why do I even take them?) I wonder if having an energy drink on top of everything else might actually eat through my stomach at some point? This flare came on full force after my miscarriage in Oct. so on top of one of the most heart breaking things I've ever lived through lets make the pain go on FOREVER! my life is on hold, and it really feels that way like some force outside of myself is holding me to this spot in burning misery. I think I've developed a split personality because of this, I know when I get up from this chair i will go in the living room with my kids and allow them to snuggle/jump on me and even though it hurts beyond words i will smile and think about how beautiful they really are. I will quietly burn and focus on something else, I will ignore the burn for the rest of the day and it's not just for everyone else that I do this, I do it for myself because if I only focused on the burning ache and the fact that i cannot get away from it no matter what, I would run screaming down the street begging for someone to shoot me.
Jeania Smith and I'm an ASS (Ankylosing Spondylitis Suferer)
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