going back

To oregon in two days and my anxiety is so high I can barely breathe. I slept last night with the help of muscle relaxors and a pile of pillows I actually slept eight and a half hours. I cannot remember the last time I slept that long, had to take a hot shower this morning for about twenty minutes but it was worth it to sleep. I'm stiff as always ribs hurt as always back hurts as always. . . . .blogging today to try to vent some of the misery I feel at the thought of leaving my support system. I haven't felt alone since I got here, the very idea of leaving and my walls are going up, I have to. . .to deal with this alone I can't aford to crack can't afford to need anyone to pick up the slack. I know I'm strong enough, but I really don't want to. I don't want to pretend anymore I don't want to have friends that are only superficial and have no idea whats going on in my life. I don't see the point of them, but how do you make friends knowing your only going to leave? And then when is it the right time to mention I fight a horrible disease everyday and hey it hurts alot and sometimes I will seem bi-polar, but I promise I'm a good person. Please be there for me if I call you, please understand I'm emotionally one of the most scarred people you will ever meet, and randomly will shove everyone away out of fear of abandonment or not being good enough or worthy of someone's love.

How am I going to do this? A huge part of me doesn't care what's right or wrong. I know whats going to happen, I'm going to push myself back into the woman I was when I got here. I'm going to shove everyone away as hard as I can, because if they see how weak I am I crack and I cry and I can't do it. When I shove them away somehow I know noone is watching me noone cares what I do or how I do it, and then I push myself. I will become the bystander in my own life again because honestly I'v been thinking alot about this and it's because I am not someone who is okay being away from her family. My definition of that has definatly changed, the people who once meant everything to me are now slowly fading by their own choice, kind of mine to but I'm okay with it. My mental well beaing has taken a beating because of this disease, because of the anger I used to deal with it instead of reaching for help. I wish I could just move my husband back here. I'v been offered friendship and family through a couple people up there but I don't allow them to see into me, I don't allow anyone but my family that close. I don't have the energy anymore to keep up my pretenses.

I want to be seen for who and what I am, I want to be loved in spite of all my short comings and for people to understand I may have a disease but it doesn't define me, being here has given me a strength to believe that myself and I have pushed myself to exhaustion testing my own limits here, not only to see if I could do it but if I hurt myself I had someone to pick up the slack. In oregon I don't have someone I can call if I hurt myself I will be alone. . . . .this is gonna be okay, it's gotta be. I don't wanna go doesn't come close to expressing the fear I have in my chest. My head is really scrambled this morning and the fatigue is setting in, be it from emotionl turmoil or the disease heck the two go hand in hand, I start feeling tired from either feeling sorry for myself or because I don't realize how much of my body is affected by this horrible stuff. When I lay down at night I relax all my muscles and the pain immeaditaly answers, and I stiffen back up to try to make it stop, it's almost as if my muscles are trying to keep my bones in place and when they let go the bones hit nerves and shoot pain everywhere. I am only kind of aware or my muscles being tightened all day its a burning sensation that can make itself a screaming presence once in a while. Any ways my thoughts are getting all jumbled around, this was suppossed to help clear up my thinking and I'm confusing myself typing.

Basically I don't want to leave, I have healed in more ways than one since coming here, due largely in part to my sister's preggo wife who has selflessly listened while I have emotionally threw up about everything and has shown me how to be me again, n she loves me anyways, she thinks I'm nuts and confusing but she loves me and I know I could call her at four in the morning throwing up sick screaming crying drunk n she would answer. . . .I love you amanda, thank you for loving me. I'm afraid.....