Yesterday I spent a good four hours painting a deck with my sister sister in law my two kids and . . . . .. what do you call my sister wife's mom, brother, and dad? we will just go with in-laws. The stretching and reaching was absolutely miserable for me, it hurt to the point I ended up throwing up but only right as we were walking away, I almost made it. .would have preferred to have managed it without anyone knowing. . .my little sis saw me. I thought I was out of eyesight. I asked her to please not draw attention to it, I would have been SO embarrassed if her mom had seen/shown concern. Someone without this disease would ask why in the world would you willingly put yourself through that? Answer. . . .I hurt EVERYDAY I don't get to actually be a functioning member of society everyday. I am aware it's going to hurt and I'm pretty good at masking it when I really want to do something and this I really wanted to do. I'm good at hiding the pain and "faking" it, I fake it everyday, sitting, walking, standing, talking, even going potty, sometimes I kinda go to sit and then fall the rest of the way to the toilet cause the pain is so sharp going slowly feels like I'm trying to rip a tendon out of my booty with a pair of rusty pliers.
Why don't I want anyone to know? I don't look sick, I am twenty seven I'm young and I have two small children. Lots of reasons. . .. I don't want anyone to think I'm incapable of raising my kids, it infuriates me, I've seen so so many doctor's and listened to them doubt me and assume I'm a "druggie" if this is a professionals opinion then the public at large is going to assume the same and they don't know me well enough to see it for their selves. I hate to be thought of as weak even worse have someone tell me to push through it, they have no idea. My pride in who I am will not allow everyone to see these weaknesses. Under this disease I'm still me, I still see the world through my own eyes.
I've met her family before and they are great people and they love my kids and I love them, I don't know if they are even aware that I have this and while I'm not ashamed of it by any means to be able to blend in for a day and show my force through labor makes me feel accomplished.I wanted to make an awesome impression, I'm one of those people when I know I'm being watched I push harder. I'm proud that I didn't outwardly show any pain. Proud to be able to force through it to accomplish something. I'm the type of person growing up that if I stubbed my toe I would break whatever I stubbed my toe on. I HATE being in pain, there isn't anything I can break to make it pay, no one did this to me, no event caused it to happen.
So yesterday although was a major pain day was also an accomplishment for me, I feel productive and although it isn't something I'm capable of everyday that's okay. . . . .The deck looks amazing AND major bonus it's five year paint and who knows maybe by the next time it comes up someone has thought of an amazing cure that will make this eighty year old body I happen to be trapped in turn back into the nubile twenty seven year old body it is supposed to be.
Whining Update. . . .Woke up in pain slept like crap forgot my prednisone before bed so my ribs feel pretty bad, deep ache in my hips, also starting to think my body hates my right side. . . .my right eye went blind a couple years ago, my right leg is the one that gets "sciatica" the most and now my right shoulder. . . . . . .time for my morning dose of prednisone which is almost like speed followed by a muscle relaxer pain pill combo that makes me feel like I've been awake for days at sea. swallowed with coffee you would think that they would meet somewhere in the middle. . . .trying it different this morning muscle relaxer first, give it an hour n take the prednisone see if it makes it easier for me to function quicker and maybe without a nap.
Signed . . .ASS
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