vellus

 so last night Jake my husband had to hold over so kind of out of boredom or whatever I took yet another shower as anyone with this disease or arthritis for that mater becomes almost aquatic because the warm water is so very soothing that made yesterday's count at three. I looked in the mirror when I got out and didn't have my glasses on so I had to lean in close n look in the mirror. . . . I have tiny hairs all over my face I'm literally furry. Thankfully unless you lean in real close you cant see them they are all tiny vellus hair again caused by prednisone use and can take a year to fall out. Really who knew all of this came from one tiny pill and a small dosage at that hell I take 50 milligrams of tramadol in one pill and I usually take three of those so the most I've been on prednisone is 60 milligrams . . . . . .Sigh. I'm hoping no more nasty little things come around now I just need to remember what date it was that I quit taking it so I know what to look forward to.

I woke up this morning with the same pain in my ribs and a little in my back, I've been riding my bike for at least ten minutes every other day and my hips seem to be plugging along I have a few random slightly painful twinges but so far I'm still walking. The thought of actually slipping something is my greatest fear and how to explain what that feels like is almost impossible one it hurts to the point of me going mad literally just insane from the pain, then add the helplessness I feel because I have no choice but to move as little as possible and wait on the couch until it heals which is usually weeks. I'm afraid of it . . . . .that's putting it lightly I'm terrified of it. Last year at this time I was pregnant. . . . .I pulled my hip and could barely walk across the room, I took low dose aspirin I was that desperate I was out of my mind with the pain every time I took a step, I'd grind my teeth together and push myself as hard as  could just to go to the bathroom and barely refrain from screaming when I had to bend to sit or to stand up once I was done. I lost my baby . . . .. .. .it is something I will always wonder if I caused because I couldn't take the pain. . . .... . .. . I researched it first it said it was beneficial in some pregnancies so I hold onto that as a thread of maybe it wasn't my fault, I wanted my baby more than anything and the pain that I feel even now is still enough to make me cry I miss my little peanut and I will feel guilt the rest of my life.

I took three of my own pills when I started typing and in the time it has taken me to write this the pain and stiffness has already left enough that I can stretch my arms up and bend backwards a little. . . .the stretch normal people take so much for granted I now get to remember how good it feels. . .. . .