reality checks are terrifying

So I stumbled across someone's blog who goes into detail how over the course of fourteen years this disease killed her. . . . . .....systematically shut her down, I don't let my mind wander down the dark and dreary very often, I cant. If I thought that I only had fourteen years to go I would panic and feel scared out of my mind daily and that wouldn't do anything but make my thinning hair maybe go bald and that wouldn't help my self esteem.

I know my lifespan is shortened by this I know they are still learning the ins and outs of this disease and there isn't a whole lot of what their leaning that is any way sunshiny I haven't read up on the research since a brief glimpse showed me that the inflammation goes to the heart. . . . . . . .I am leading a blessed life, I have two beautiful children who r the light and spark of my very soul their laughter can make my heaviest heart feel lighter. I have amazing family, I know they all are waiting for me to ever ask for help and it's nice to know if this ever crushes me to my knees I have somewhere to go...... that thought alone is bringing tears to my eye's for me to ever need someone to help me that much with my daily living is flat out to much for my mind to handle.

I am not this disease I am not this weak person who cannot use her right arm right now. . . . . .I am not this crybaby who cant, I am someone who can. . . . . .I will figure this out homeopathic ally safely without adding to the risk I already face. I gotta go I just depressed the shit out of myself, I am not sure if denial is healthy but neither is laying down and saying okay take my body. this is my fight and it's the fight of my life i pray to whoever is listening to give me the strength to never give up, to feel the fire of determination and fight instead of the hopelessness and fear that I can't verbalize out loud to anyone but on here, to say out loud I'm afraid of dying from this I'm afraid every time my chest constricts that "this is it"  just sounds in my head so very weak and hypochondriac that the words can't escape my lips.