I went to two diff stores to go shopping as the local grocer is so much better than walmart and they have awesome deals usually on drinks and sides etc but without coupons or even really not knowing the flyer I can't afford to shop there it is insanely high.
I am in so much pain I am close to tears, . . . . .. I'm laying on my heating pad and praying for release and fighting back the tears. I told the kids I would help write them letters to santa but all I want to do is lay on this blissful heating pad and bawl. I even took my marijuana pills this morning and the ones for vitamins that's supposed to help with inflammation. I feel helpless I feel trapped I wish I was home I wish I could take my kids to their aunties house to write the letters n so I could shower and try to ease the pain.
I'm scared this pregnancy is going to render me totally useless this is from two hours of constant movement and I'm thirteen weeks today I'm not entirely sure I want to imagine me further. . . . .. . I'm not really religious I feel that as long as your not going around and maliciously hurting people and you do the things that you know are the right thing to do then your going to be fine in the afterlife whichever it is. I keep preying in my head to whomever or whatever is out there to give me the strength to fight this awful disease long enough to bring my beautiful baby in the world. I will figure out the inflammation part of this. . . . . .I don't know how but I will. I called the rhuematologist repeatedly today to try n set up an apt with no answer so I sent them an email. I have to find something to help, I will refuse what I don't feel is safe, there will not be any injection in this body or around my precious baby I can tell ya that but I am feeling a little backed against a wall and noone to talk to who will understand and again I'm in tears. . . . . .
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