so so tired

I wish I wish I wish for us to be home when this baby comes, I feel like I'm losing control of the mother I wanna be. I'm having trouble keeping up with homework with my already birthed children.I'm usually exhausted come bed time that I have stopped reading them books and I have done that since they were born literally slobbering little chunky monkeys who didn't even understand English and I was reading to them. I'm struggling with fatigue that's so strong I slept through alarms and missed getting my baby girl off the bus and picking up my baby boy from school. I'm feeling guilty and overwhelmed. 13 weeks tomorrow so I'm praying some of my energy comes back but if it's due to inflammation then I'm still gonna be tired, the pregnancy and disease symptoms are all blending together at this point I know my ribs and back are from my disease but the kind of detached exhaustion can be from either one and with my back hurting I know some of this has to be due to inflammation. I still haven't made an apt. with my Rhuematologist even though my O.B. told me too and it's pretty obvious she has no idea what to do to treat me and the baby. I suppose one of my biggest fears is that the rhuemy will attempt to put me on pain pills, or something else that I don't want in my body around my baby, I'm sick of doctor's period but even more sick of them just assuming they know whats best for me or my body.

I looked up an ultrasound of a thirteen week old fetus and I'm amazed that it already looks like a baby granted a tiny tiny baby but a beautiful thing to see. I imagine my little boy/girl in there just rolling around and I look forward to it so so much. To hell with this disease and to hell with doctor's if I thought I could handle the pain and not scare the beejezus out of my hubby and kids I would do this alone and at home but I am worried a little about the damage already to my hips that I'm not aware of. That's something else the Doc's don't think I need to know about my own body, the ob told me my ultrasound was "mostly" normal. The Ruemy tells me I have "some damage" what he doesnt mention is that in order for him to see that "some damage" on the x rays is that my body has to have been ravaged by this disease for at least ten years. I have no idea if the damage includes fusion in my pelvic region bone spurs etc.

I think I had cysts on my ovaries as about a week ago I felt sharp and really painful stabs on the sides and I've had them before so i know what they feel like so I'm assuming that was the "mostly" part. I think I really hate my O.B. she treats me like an idiot and appears to have no knowledge of autoimmune diseases. I would go somewhere else but it's really convenient it's about seven mins away