five days no more prescribed pills

no steroids, no shots, no injections. I have been feeling better but woke up with the flu this morning. figure it is my body really really confused I figured I'd go through withdrawals of some sort. I have smoked two cigarettes in two days, and trying to flush with fluids. I got empty pill capsules today to start making my own canna-caps. I have no idea if this is going to work out but I'm so hopeful so so extremely hopeful. Making my own canna-caps is a bit weird but it's going we shal see. I printed off my application and registration thingie I have to fill out and send in. I have an apt. with the Rhuematologist tomrrow and I dont think I'm going to go. I don't really see the point any more doctors and pills doctors and pills so far the relief I have felt in the few days of my experiment have been far more productive than months and years of pills and doctor's. I am laughing again. . . .I don't have any sensation of being stoned of high or anything like that, I notice a sense of inner calm that before was constant movement to take my mind off the burn. with no burn I have an odd where have I been feeling. almost like I'm seeing my husband for the first time in years, talking to him for the first time in years.

I'm still waking up with my ribs hurting, I'm still getting little warnings from my hips and when the steroids are completely out of my system I am worried about walking. I'm worried this may cause more damage than good but it is worth the risk to me. spending a few weeks recovering from my own experiment rather than the doctor risking my life with cancer seems somehow better. maybe its just stemming from my need to control my life and this disease has made me feel totally out of control and helpless. I worry about the social stigma of everyone when they all find out that I'm medicating with weed. I worry about a lot of useless things and honestly if this works for me and gives me back some semblance of my life then to hell with the nay sayers. My life, MY Body. . . . . no more drugs being shoved down my throat, or in my veins I'm done with it. I hope I have the strength to sticl to it, I hope that I dont get worse. . . .faith and hope. . ... . .and always standing tall