shopping nightmare

I went to two diff stores to go shopping as the local grocer is so much better than walmart and they have awesome deals usually on drinks and sides etc but without coupons or even really not knowing the flyer I can't afford to shop there it is insanely high.

I am in so much pain I am close to tears, . . . . .. I'm laying on my heating pad and praying for release and fighting back the tears. I told the kids I would help write them letters to santa but all I want to do is lay on this blissful heating pad and bawl. I even took my marijuana  pills this morning and the ones for vitamins that's supposed to help with inflammation. I feel helpless I feel trapped I wish I was home I wish I could take my kids to their aunties house to write the letters n so I could shower and try to ease the pain.

I'm scared this pregnancy is going to render me totally useless this is from two hours of constant movement and I'm thirteen weeks today I'm not entirely sure I want to imagine me further. . . . .. . I'm not really religious I feel that as long as your not going around and maliciously hurting people and you do the things that you know are the right thing to do then your going to be fine in the afterlife whichever it is. I keep preying in my head to whomever or whatever is out there to give me the strength to fight this awful disease long enough to bring my beautiful baby in the world. I will figure out the inflammation part of this. . .  . . .I don't know how but I will. I called the rhuematologist repeatedly today to try n set up an apt with no answer so I sent them an email. I have to find something to help, I will refuse what I don't feel is safe, there will not be any injection in this body or around my precious baby I can tell ya that but I am feeling a little backed against a wall and noone to talk to who will understand and again I'm in tears. . . . . .

so so tired

I wish I wish I wish for us to be home when this baby comes, I feel like I'm losing control of the mother I wanna be. I'm having trouble keeping up with homework with my already birthed children.I'm usually exhausted come bed time that I have stopped reading them books and I have done that since they were born literally slobbering little chunky monkeys who didn't even understand English and I was reading to them. I'm struggling with fatigue that's so strong I slept through alarms and missed getting my baby girl off the bus and picking up my baby boy from school. I'm feeling guilty and overwhelmed. 13 weeks tomorrow so I'm praying some of my energy comes back but if it's due to inflammation then I'm still gonna be tired, the pregnancy and disease symptoms are all blending together at this point I know my ribs and back are from my disease but the kind of detached exhaustion can be from either one and with my back hurting I know some of this has to be due to inflammation. I still haven't made an apt. with my Rhuematologist even though my O.B. told me too and it's pretty obvious she has no idea what to do to treat me and the baby. I suppose one of my biggest fears is that the rhuemy will attempt to put me on pain pills, or something else that I don't want in my body around my baby, I'm sick of doctor's period but even more sick of them just assuming they know whats best for me or my body.

I looked up an ultrasound of a thirteen week old fetus and I'm amazed that it already looks like a baby granted a tiny tiny baby but a beautiful thing to see. I imagine my little boy/girl in there just rolling around and I look forward to it so so much. To hell with this disease and to hell with doctor's if I thought I could handle the pain and not scare the beejezus out of my hubby and kids I would do this alone and at home but I am worried a little about the damage already to my hips that I'm not aware of. That's something else the Doc's don't think I need to know about my own body, the ob told me my ultrasound was "mostly" normal. The Ruemy tells me I have "some damage" what he doesnt mention is that in order for him to see that "some damage" on the x rays is that my body has to have been ravaged by this disease for at least ten years. I have no idea if the damage includes fusion in my pelvic region bone spurs etc.

I think I had cysts on my ovaries as about a week ago I felt sharp and really painful stabs on the sides and I've had them before so i know what they feel like so I'm assuming that was the "mostly" part. I think I really hate my O.B. she treats me like an idiot and appears to have no knowledge of autoimmune diseases. I would go somewhere else but it's really convenient it's about seven mins away

slugging along

I'm only getting about four n a half hours of sleep a night and it's really starting to take it's toll on me I'm exhausted and grouchy. It doesn't help that my four year old very large son randomly crawls into bed with me always on my side n always on top of me. With only those four hours you wouldn't think I would have laid in one spot long enough to stove up but my right side hurts every morning in my ribs. I cannot bitch to much as I will not soon forget the day I had without my pills in my system at all. Funny how you get used to a certain amount of pain and then forget how much it can actually hurt and when it hurts full blown your like I didn't have anything to bitch about before.

I wish there was a cure, I wish I wasn't afraid of passing this onto my kids, I cannot help but be afraid and wonder if it's selfish to want children with a disease that I can pass on. I wonder if they will hate me for it when they realize what I risked passing on. I also then think that why shouldn't I enjoy as many children as I want? I've learned to cope with mine and I do not wish myself unborn, I enjoy my life for the most part. Pretty sure I'm going to keep a head cold this entire pregnancy. I considered for a brief second that during pregnancy would be the best time for me to go vegan maybe and see if tha helps the pain but then I thought about a fried piece of chicken and yea I wont make it so not even gonna try to make some sort of promise to anyone reading this I don't have that kind of willpower. The only thing I hope for during this pregnancy is not to blow up to bad I have horrid eating habits but for the most part am not an over eater.

out of guilt I stop and the pain is to to much

At my o.b. apt. the doctor again informed me that I was risking my baby to continue to use marijuana. . .so I stopped it's been about two weeks and last night was my breaking point. I will lose my baby if I don't have something to stop the mind exploding pain from my disease. I was up almost all night back, hips, and ribcage in a constant squeezing breathe taking pain. I ended up on the floor desperately quietly sobbing into my pillow so not to wake my husband. I didn't want him to see me like that what good would it do if he had tried to touch me I would have screamed and woken up the kids. Point blank I have an incurable disease that literally cripples my body and my mind and this woman has no idea what she is dealing with. I am faced with the choice of pain pills and dangerous experimental drugs to try n keep the pain and inflammation at bay or a natural plant that carries the risk of low birth weight???????? How in the world can she make me feel guilty for doing something like this? when my only other option is strong opiates? maybe she should have done her research before telling me over n over I was harming my baby. I can tell you right now this pain and inflammation is harming my baby a lot more than me taking weed.

She quoted me a study that supposedly dropped your I.Q eight points. I looked up the study she was blindly quoting it stated that teenagers over the course of twenty years appeared to have dropped eight I.Q. points again let me state that it was over the course of TWENTY years and there is plenty of inconclusive studies that say that your I.Q. is at risk for slowly dropping over the course of time anyways. So let me get this straight. . .  .I can read and understand medical testing on marijuana better than my doctor or maybe she genuinely does not grasp what she is dealing with when treating me?

I feel utterly awful I can barely move today and have been sitting on my heating pad since i got up. My house is really gross but no way I'm going to loosen up enough to do anything about it today. My only goal for today is to make my pills so that tomorrow I can have some relief. I'm scared the pain of last night may have hurt my little one. . . . I wish I was far enough along that I could judge by the movements how he/she was doing.

puke one day starve the next

Pregnancy is turning out to kind of make me a mental case. . .  .one day I'm puking so much it hurts and the next I'm waking up at three A.M. feeling like I'm going to die of starvation soon. On the one hand it makes me feel safe because I know this little peanut is settled nicely enough in there to make me miserable and that all points to healthy development for him/her :). My disease is well. . . ..  my disease, the burn n aching is pretty much a constant right now and the hunched forward position I keep catching myself sitting in has to be due to inflammation that is probably out of control right now. I quit the smoking my meds I simply don't like to feel stoned. My pills only stay down half the time so I'm almost back at square one. The nerve pinched in my neck makes my right shoulder almost useless I'm always aware of how much I'm using it which is extremely annoying. I used to be the woman who would get pissed and do it herself no matter how heavy or awkward an object or task was I'd grit my teeth sweat like a pig and muscle my way through it. . . . . .. Sometimes I really miss that woman.now I mostly focus on being a positive force of nature. I feel that my body may be weak but my attitude and actions can be sweet and direct, nurturing, giving, and loving. I'll admit some days I'm simply in to much pain to accomplish the Mary Poppins routine but those days I usually hide so my nasty attitude doesn't affect the ones I love.

I'm on the verge of asking for some kind of nerve pill as the itching from what I've read is from nerve damage and I simply cannot express how much it itches I literally want to peel the skin from my body. I woke up at three am last night and proceeded to dig at both of my arms until they bled. I smacked my right arm over n over to no avail and finally rubbed it down with ice until both shoulders were on the verge of frostbite. . . . .I seriously hope that its just some sort of side effect of pregnancy and not gonna stick around forever . . . . I'm not sure it wont drive me totally batty. . . . . .As to my audience :) my numbers on my page views keep clicking up so I know someone out there is reading them I hope that someone is getting a benefit from my limited knowledge of Medical MJ. It was on the docket today to be legalized for small amounts of recreational use :) oh if only medical science was actually allowed to study and produce the amazing medicine that is found in this magnificent plant that is totally natural. . . .I simply cannot wait for the day that I can go to Walmart and pick up the miracle cure for my disease that I know is found in this plant simply from my own usage I know the right dosage gives me back my life. . . and for a scientist to be able to find the magic dosage without the stoned effect oh I'd be in heaven. . . .till then I'm an ASS and a pothead :)

nine weeks and counting

two days have passed and I've only puked once :) super happy about that. Maybe now I can start taking my pills as my back and ribs are slowly starting to feel like a sledge hammer was taken to them again. . . . .. .I was kind of hoping that it would go into remission while I was pregnant but I guess it's kind of a good thing it doesn't cause to be blissfully pain free for nine months and then BAM would suck really bad at least this way my pain tolerance will stay pretty high instead of shocking me. It seems as though I'm going to have every symptom of pregnancy this go around I have Erythema Nodosum popping up on my legs as of yesterday, I thought I had been bruising myself or something till I realized I've barely even moved in a week due to the crippling nausea so how the hell was I bruised and then I looked at them. . . .they are red and raised and puffy looking with hard knots in the middle and they hurt when you press on them. Of course I googled it as in my opinion the internet has the same amount of information as a doctor does if you just know where to look, and sure enough figured it out on my own. My OB wanted to send me to a nutritionist why I'm not sure but when the lady told me my insurance would cover eighty percent I was like well it can be more than like twenty bucks then right? ummm no the lady wanted a hundred n eighty I laughed at her and canceled my apt. I've even been considering a home birth just to stop all the poking and prodding and people acting like they know more about my body than I do, I understand that when small pox and the plague etc. was around people blindly followed doctors as they seemed to be magicians of life but honestly I find out more about my disease online than I ever have a doctor, i figured out how to treat my own pain without the help of a doctor. I don't intend to ever blindly follow again OH and the ob wanted me to see a nurse once a week. . . . .  .ummm WHY? to charge the crap outta my insurance? to send me needlessly searching for a baby sitter once a week and rearranging schedules to suit it? I think not, I realize I'm higher risk than average but women have been giving birth since forever without a whole lot of doctor's interference and I'm pretty sure my body is the one figuring out how to have a baby not theirs. doctor's and their I know better than you cause I read a book attitude is really pissing me off this is my body and my baby I refuse to be a guinea pig for them. You would think I offered the OB some rare disease that she stands the chance of curing the way she is trying to send me to specialist n shit, I got this lady leave me alone