still puking but holding weight

I am still not a hundred percent but I'm doing better slowly I am keeping almost all my food down and seem to throw up only a sludge and then lots of stomach acid, I go back to the ob next week so it is definitely something I am going to bring up. I have developed a maddening itch on both of my shoulders that is literally waking me up at night to scratch it I wanna chew straight through my own arms. I fight to finally get some rest and the I have to wake up to itch!? rly? I could seriously cry some days.

I had a great weekend we went to the mall kids got to ride a choo choo train around for ten minutes they loved it, I was pooped after walking a very short distance and I'm very sad to report that the smoking my meds is not working near as well as the edibles I am going to make some tomorrow in the hopes I get the potency right and can relieve the ever present burning sensation again. . . . . it isn't quite so strong I cannot ignore it yet but it is starting to prevent me from doing stuff again and I rly am getting irritated. Especially when I have just found a reprieve after four years of constant debilitating pain, to be losing that feeling is almost got me panicking and I've already played it out in my head where I ask the ob for safe pain meds. . . . . . . .I must stay strong and natural I've allowed the doctor's to poison me long enough I can and will do this without risking my life, liver, kidneys, etc.

My husband is still very supportive of me as he says the difference in my mood and well being is still way worth the social stigma of being a pot head. . . . god I love that man. he walked up behind me last night and put his arms around me and our baby and just told me he loved me and kissed the nape of my neck. . . . . . . .after all these years he still can take my breath away. I'm happy . . . .happier than I've been in a long time, there is no longer any negativity in my life and while it brings me some regret that I've lost a friend of ten years it also brings a great deal of relief. It is really sad when you realize that people aren't who you have made the into in your head. what's even sadder is that I believed it for so long. . . . . talk is so cheap, you can sit and say all the good things you want to but when push comes to shove if you just watch someone in their misery without making an effort to assist them then your a phony, your fake as hell and please no longer darken my doorstep.

15 pounds down . . . .thought being pregnant you gained weight?

I'm so utterly sick I have barely been able to keep up with my housework between the puking and trying to take a nap which I rarely manage to do between my kiddie's being sick and cleaning. I am totally and completely exhausted. I cannot keep my pills down so the pain in my hip is creeping back in and it is barely cutting through the fog of utter crappiness I feel. I have resorted to smoking my meds for the time being until I manage to get the puking under control. My husband doesn't like it when I smoke I think he feels it makes me look like a typical loser pregnant and smoking weed. I reach my seventh week mark tomorrow and kinda feel like someone should throw me a party, this is hard on my poor body all I wanna do is lay down even when I just wake up I wanna stay in bed and just keep saying over and over again it will totally be worth it in the end. I started my pregnancy at 195 and am now down to 180 obviously not scary news to someone not pregnant but my ob is threatening hospitalization. I still live so far away from everyone I have no idea what I would do if that happened. I have no one to watch my kids I've never felt as desperate to get back home as I do right now I need help and there is no help to be had. . . . . . .

I'm seriously negative right now and that's not me either I hate being negative but I just kinda feel a little helpless in my current sitch. I want my baby but my baby is making me so sick I can't take care of my other two babies. It's enough to depress the crap outta me I wish I had even one awesome friend here who would come in and watch my kids once a week and clean my house and cook my hubby dinner so I could just rest. The only time I feel half human is when I smoked a bowl, of course this isn't what you would want a normal preggo lady to say but then again I'm not normal and people can judge me all they want I no longer give a poo, but before you judge make sure you understand my disease and the choices I'm faced with. I still feel as though it is the best thing I could do for my own body and honestly my baby if I wasn't doing it I'm quite sure I would have pinched a nerve by now and my body cannot handle that kind of pain it literally makes me crazy let alone a little baby managing under that kind of stress. blah can someone else take the wheel of my life right now and wake me up when the baby gets here?

I was at peace with two

you know the funny thing is that I really was fine with two I was finally at peace with it after the heartache of losing my little one last year. I had the pro's lined up in my head my kids would never have to share a room with a sibling, I was done with diapers and the crying and screaming without me understanding what the hell was wrong. I could set something on the floor and not worry about the kids getting into it. I had convinced myself two was plenty and enough. Funny thing is that we didn't use any form of birth control to follow through with this decision. We have been together for 12 years though and I have been pregnant three times before two miscarriages (2003, and 2011) and one live birth (my son) we didn't think we had to worry about it.

I think I'm scared about how my life is going to change I'm very aware of my limitations with the two we have I cannot wrestle I cannot run, I can't even give rough hugs without it hurting myself, I can definitely tell an improvement in my movements and the stiffness and I am capable of so much more than what I was a few months ago. I have a lot of hope that at some point I'll reach a stage where there is no evidence of this disease that through my supplements of ginger and turmeric (which I cannot take while pregnant due to uterus stimulation) and whatever else I find that is anti inflammatory.

I'm scared of having a flare following the birth, the last time with bub was so painful it is burned in my memories, I couldn't even pick him up when I first would wake up I would literally cry out loud till my grandpa heard me from down the hall and came and got him for me it was seriously the worst time and the worst pain I have had dealing with this disease. I have no one I can ask for that kind of help from here. I wanna move home before the baby comes. I miss my family oh so much. the longer it is staying in there the more I am getting worried about the future, anxiety is awful.

exhausted

I'm so tired I am barely functioning, I manage to clean my house once a day but even that's a struggle right now I'm exhausted. I take my pills and my vitamins and my pain is well under control and managed and if I wasn't so damn tired I'd be so much more grateful, my right shoulder was healing pretty good and feeling tons better but I carried in like three bags of heavy groceries not thinking yesterday ad it hurts again today every time I sneeze it feels like I'm throwing out a rib. I'm still struggling with the right combination of heat and oil any ways and this latest batch takes six to do what two of a batch I made a cpl weeks ago did. I'm thinking this little bean is here to stay though no blood at all no spotting and best of all I haven't pulled my hip :). I simply cannot tell you how amazing it is to be off all these damn drugs and still be walking unassisted it's been years and years since I haven't needed anything. I remember using a cane before when I wasn't on meds and I have no need of it. My hips can be slightly stiff and slightly painful but it's nothing compared to what I am used to so I'm very thankful for that I think the pain is a bad stress on my body and makes it harder for me to carry a baby. Kiddo's refuse to let me take a nap the second my head hits a pillow I hear "mommy can I have. . . .can you get me. .. .etc.etc" I have had to remove junk food totally from their diets as they have begun to refuse anything that isn't junk food. 

20 min power nap and my house is clean

no more pain no less, I still feel the burn if I am on my feet to much and I can't walk very far without my hips suggesting we take a break. I took another pregnancy test just to be sure and it's still positive :) I believe I have lost my mind as I am so excited to be dreaming of what little one I am carrying. . . . .I shouldn't be getting this excited until I pass the twelve week mark. I know all the negative stuff I know I am starting over with a crying pooing screaming wriggly little bald alien. I don't care. . . .. . .shoulder still hurts but I'm getting used to it. Hips are plugging along mostly well and when I wake up first thing in the mornings my ribs are still aching I've began to wonder if the burn is actually fibromyalgia