humira, and positive thinking

I've been switched to the humira and took that shot last week, really good thing about it is that it's every two weeks, I vomited all day but so far no extra heart palpitations. I've also added a blood pressure pill to my regimen, needless to say this is a bit daunting, doc said it has nothing to do with my diet all my cholesterol is in the right place meaning that no matter how holistic I tried to approach this I am not in control of my blood pressure. oddly enough I do feel better from this little pill, I don't feel my pulse pounding when I go from sitting to standing which I have felt for quite some time. Tons of other Little small things that I've noticed doesn't make my blood pound like it used to. I also tried to go on an anti depressant but only took it for about a week before I just quit, I had a friend staying with me and she couldn't find my son, she came in my room and tried to wake me up like shook my foot trying to wake me up and I didn't budge thankfully my son was actually squished under the covers with me otherwise this could have turned out really really badly.

  I feel no difference yet with the biologics, well maybe a little better in the morning but still stiff and still hurting on a pain scale its went down from about an eight to a six, but this could be because I now am taking naproxen at bedtime again, its eating my stomach I have acid reflux all day, I still fight the urge to take a nap every single day, I hate feeling this tired, and every time I take a nap I feel guilty like I have given up on myself and am denying some awesome thing from happening if I could just stay awake. Humira is forty dollars a month, pain pills thirty, stomach pill fourteen, muscle relaxer seven to ten, doc apt. twenty plus gas, its adding up quickly we are spending over a hundred dollars a month on my med bills and that not even paying for the x rays that are now in the thousands and the hospital bill from last year, this may sound awful but I just throw them away there is no way we can get on top of them and hopefully once we have a set plan in place to handle all of everything if I can just keep current on the doc apt and the meds then after seven years the others wont count any more.

   I still am hating it here alone in the middle of the desert, my friend was staying with me and thankfully took over dinner duties etc. during injection day last week, I've also moved them to Jake's days off so I wont be alone. Still hoping some magic happens soon my back is fricking hurting even as I type this, I wanna wake up in no pain!!!let it hit me sometime later in the day for the love of Pete not when I first wake up.

  Someone posted something I feel very thoughtlessly to my wall about how the power of god and positive thinking would heal me. One I do not believe in the human god that's in the bible, however I'm very spiritual and believe wholeheartedly in the power of positive thinking and or positive energy forces etc. and if you knew one ounce of me you would have known this would insult the crap outta me, I have done nothing but keep positive about thinking this would just go away until I literally broke, I forced myself every single day to function as if it didn't exist, to repeat a mantra in my head "you can do this you can do this, don't let them See it hurts, if they don't see you win" I only broke out of my isolated hell of pain and torment when I was suicidal, this blog is a direct result of my having "hid" it. This is me and no amount of positive thinking herbal diets cleansing my aura etc. is going to make this disease go away, believe me I've tried, went totally organic,cut out meat, carried certain stones in my pockets meant for healing, read several Wicca prayers meant for healing, etc. etc. etc. No asking a church to pray for me did not come into play nor will it ever, if there is a god I do not believe I have to follow cult like behaviour to receive his blessings. I do not believe the hatred those people spew, next time you wanna help and bring me some kind of snake oil, please just don't it's sooooo insulting

Jeania Standing Tall

enbrel wasn't magic

in fact had an allergic reaction to it that made me second guess even trying another biologic, the fear of having something happen to me while I"m alone with my children is to high of a risk for me to continue to take it. I'm used to hurting at this point it is my life, it is who I am. Those that love and truly love me when I have my bad dasy will love me any ways and forgive my anger. I'v decided the nurse practioner that I'm required to see four times in between seeing the doctor is an idiot. She had the wrong x-rays up, told me that I didnt have ankylosing that it is undifferientiated sponyloartropathy, I responded the damage was signifigant enough that I didnt need and mri that the doctor said I was a classic case, she pulls up the one of my hips with proof of sacroilitis and says sorry. Mind you I'm in her office because enbrel caused vomiting couldnt keep down water, it isn't the magic drug I was praying for it to be, was causing my heart to speed up so much I couldn't exert myself at all id throw up. So when she states this my jaw kinda hung open n I felt so much anger at this litle woman in my mind she was trying to tell me she didnt believe me that I was making it up, I heard so many other doctors in my head all saying the same things over n over" the tests were all normal" F_______ Youuuuuu!!!! but what choice do I have the doctor himself is hard to get into and the only one in the area so I gotta put up with the moronic woman to get tot he gold at the end of the rainbow.

I tried to ask her what my options were like she put me on humira and I start that next week, but if I fail this one if I have a bad reaction to this one I'm done with the biologics until A. I have a live in nanny or something, B. I am where I can call someone and they can be at my house in no time.I tried to ask what is next and she cuts me off and tells me that "we aren't to that point yet don't even go there in your mind" ummmm I'm not allowed to know what comes next? I felt dismissed and treated like an idiotic child was not a good apt.

I went to my general practitioner the next day and kind of fell apart on the poor man, my blood pressure has been up the past three doctors apts, I told him I felt like they were shooting guns in the dark and didnt know how to fix this, I bawled while telling him I wake up feeling like someone took a sledgehammer to my body while sleeping, and that I was losing hope I put to much on the enbrel was hoping for it to be magical for me and it wasn't and I didn't know what to do. The stiffness is spreading into my neck, in the past two months I have had chostochondritis, that literally put the fear of god into me I thought I was having a heartattack with my poor children just watching, my right shoulder has lost it's movements I'd say its been reduced to about half, I failed enbrel. I'm now on an anti deppresant, blood pressure pills, pain pills, muscle relaxor, vitamins out my wazoo, prednisone which I need to get off of asap but it is the only thing keeping me walking the sacroilitis gets so bad I literally am bed riden which makes my ribs hurt even worse, no movement at all makes it hurt too. Trying to educate myself on this is almost impossible not to mention depressing so for now I'm just gonna plod along taking more and more drugs. only thing he said about the blood pressure is that it's not cholesterol related that changing my diet wouldn't change anything, I'm not sure if it is disease related or sideeffects from everything else but funny enough I do feel better, tired but better. 

enbrel week two

These humongous needles bruise the crap out of me, I took the shot after my shower this morning and wasn't hit immediately with the nausea was thinking things were gonna go okay for all of about an hr, then proceeded to throw up twice, barely manage to throw food at the kids and proceeded to pass out for the past two n half hours. I feel like I ate a smelly ball of garbage my stomach is burning and queasy but there isn't anything in there. The familiar burn ache in my back is still there, n to top it off the side effects are making me unable to do a damn thing to my house and my husband left it gross as hell. I need to clean really really badly and think if I manage to just get the bathroom up to my standards I'll feel better. Feeling little sorry for myself not gonna lie. I want my house to be clean for the fourth of July just in case I manage to meet a few new people, and I'm dragging such ass I don't see how I'm gonna get it done.

Another of the massively huge disappointments of being here, I would call for help today but I have no one to call.I have one friend whom I know would be here if she could but she lives three hours away, I have no support system as my children have sat here watching cartoons and terrorizing the cat for the two n half hours I literally passed out on them. please let there be some sort of magic under these big ass needles. I miss the anxiety that used to have me as a military wife on my hands and knees with a toothbrush before people came over, not so much the inability to sleep because of it part but the energy to clean like that without drugs, I could pop a cpl Vicodin and that may help I suppose but I'm throwing up already and those things are not something I want to waste by throwing them up. sadly they are a lifeline to even my best days. I consider my best days is when they r working enough I can resemble the work horse I used to pride myself on being.

starting to lose hope in the enbrel, still hurt every morning, still burn all day, I've puked more today than I care to count. my stomach is doing that ache where there isn't anything in it but if I put something in it I'm puking. today is not a good day. . . . .funny it started out pretty good was sunshiny n pretty Vicodin kicked in pretty early was preparing for the fourth, now have to sit back and go at a snails pace and just hope to accomplish some of my house and not feel like a failure because I can't do near what I think I should.morale of this post, this crap sucks the life out of me, I hate it, I feel weak because it does makes me feel like a whiner, like I'm not woman enough to handle my business. My mood today has swung from one end of the pendulum to the other, the kids were awesome while I napped and in the few hours I was trying to drag myself around they threw boxes in the little swimming pool and took tire sealant for a kids bike and poured it in for good measure.